How to stop arguing
When you’re arguing you’re trying to get a point across...
BUT it’s easy for your partner to become threatened (uneasy, uncomfortable, scared, worried, nervous, thrown off) and disconnect from you.
When this happens nothing can get communicated. If your partner starts to feel threatened in the conversation they will not be able to even hear your point.
This means it’s in YOUR interest to make sure your partner is okay. It’s in your interest to wave a "flag of friendliness" and say, “I know my talking this way makes you feel like I’m attacking you. I love you and I’m really upset about XYZ. Let me calm down and come back and talk to you."
The ONLY way you can get what you need is by taking care of your partner at the same time. There’s no way in this universe whereby I can get what I want by only thinking of myself. I can’t. If I “win” an argument and you “lose” it, then in the ecosystem that is our relationship, we both lose.
Negotiators know this strategy already—in order to get what I need, I have to make sure you also get what you need.